For some reason, I have this need to be perfect. I must be the perfect mom, the perfect wife, the perfect daughter, the perfect sister, the perfect well...everything. when I leave my house, both my children must look perfect. There shouldn't be any stains on their clothes, food on their faces (or clothes), and no hair should be out of place. They must behave perfectly at all times. I, also, must behave perfectly. For some reason, it is very important to me that people perceive me as perfect. I'm not perfect, I know that, I really do! But, people need to THINK that I'm perfect. I don't know why. It's not so much that I need to be perfect at home, but I need the outside world to look at me say "Wow! She has really got it together!"
When I was growing up, I was convinced that if I were perfect, people would love me. Ya see, I had a rough childhood. No more difficult than others, but it was hard. I never felt like I was good enough. I wasn't thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough, you get the picture. Like so many kids of divorced parents, I was convinced that if I were perfect, my parents would love each other and we would all live together in Utopia. There are so many other factors to my need to appear perfect, but I'm not quite ready to share them yet. Perhaps in time...perhaps not.
I know, now, that being perfect doesn't win you love. Nobody ever loved me more, or less, because I wasn't perfect. I know that people probably won't think I'm a bad mom if my girls have stuff on their face, or if their clothes have a stain, or if their hair is messy. I know I'm a good mom and a good wife, that's really all that matters. But when I leave the house, everyone gets a critical once over. More times than I can count, someone has had to change clothes because of some minor flaw. But, there are other times when we leave the house and Adelae has a milk mustache and messy hair. I'm getting better...slowly, but surely, I'm making improvements.
I think, honestly, that I'm unhappy with myself and that's I need the people I'm in charge of to look perfect. I don't think I'm pretty, or skinny, I don't wear the right clothes, my make-up is always a little off, my hair never looks like I want it to. I feel frumpy, fat and old. By making my children look a little more perfect, I'm taking the spot light off me. So many times I think that people probably think to themselves "Wow! The kids are cute, but Mom sure could do something with herself." It makes me sad. I don't think I'll ever be good enough, in my own eyes. I'm not sure how to get over my perception of myself. I'm working on it. I'm praying that God helps me. He's helped me so much in the past few months, and I know that he can help me with this too.
Perhaps I am perfect just as I am, but until I can really believe that my kids will just have to suffer Mom's critical eye.