Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Tis The Season

I spent all of yesterday being totally stressed out about Christmas. I'm way behind on my shopping, there's never enough money to buy what I want and pay the bills too. Between Ben and I's work schedule there's no way we will be able to take the girls to see Santa this year. I had myself so stressed out I was getting ill. I managed to get two giant cold sores from the stress.

This morning I realized something. Christmas isn't about presents. It's not about spending every dime we have on extravagant presents for everyone. It's about celebrating the birth of Jesus. It's about spending time with family. It's about being grateful for the things that we are able to give to the people we love.

And Santa? My kids don't even care. Adelae said "I'll just write him a letter."

Monday, December 5, 2011

I kind of suck at this

I used to be a good blogger. I blogged at least once a week. Or at least once a month. Now I just don't feel like I have anything to say. Or not anything that people care about reading anyway. I'm boring. I feel boring. I feel like perhaps I've gone about as far as I can with this blog. I'm debating taking it off line. I post all of my pictures and thoughts on Facebook. I don't have any deep thoughts to share with the blogging community, not that many people would read it if I did.

Also, I'm busy. Between work, kids, husband and house I don't really feel like I have much left to give. Then things I want to blog about, I can't because it's insanely personal. Not really meant for the world at large to read. But, it's hard to take away something that chronicles my children's developments. There's so many great pictures on here, I would hate to lose them all. I'm undecided as of now what I will do. But, don't be surprised if the next time you go to search for my blog (not that many of you every do), it isn't there.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Depression Confession

I suffer from a mild form of depression. I choose not to take medication because I can usually fight off the really bad attacks. Then there are days like today. Everything seems wrong. Nothing makes me smile. I want to go to bed, pull the covers over my head and sleep for days. I want to cry, but the tears won't come. I know people will say to "get over it" or "you're being overly dramatic." I only wish it were that easy. Trust me, I wish I could jump up and "get over it." I hate feeling like this. I hate it. I want to smile and laugh with my kids. I want to want to play. I wish my husband understood how hard I fight to keep that weight from crushing me. I wish that weight didn't exist.

I know that tomorrow's another day. I know that weight might not be there in the morning. I know that I have a million reasons to be happy. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

The Guilt Will Get Ya

I knew when I started working that I would eventually face the Working Mom Guilt. At first, I felt guilty that I didn't miss my kids more. I felt guilty that I actually ENJOYED dropping them off at the sitter's house and getting out of the house. I felt guilty because I didn't feel guilty, if that makes any sense.

So, I've been cruising along fairly guilt free for the last few months. Today, all that guilt caught up with me in one crushing blow. I was discussing with a co-worker (also a working mom) about Adelae feeling shy at school. Her response was not what I expected. I expected her to say that everything would be fine. After all, we're both working moms. Instead, she said that I should pull Adelae out of school, quit my job and stay at home again. That's when it hit me right between the eyes.....The Working Mom Guilt.

I've always had an over active imagination. So, the picture I mentally pained quickly went from bad to worse. I imagined poor Adelae being left at the door with out a "Have a good day!" or a "Have fun!" I imagined poor Adelae playing all by herself at recess because her teachers didn't know she was shy. Why didn't they know? Because I couldn't tell them because I was too busy at work to drop her off or pick her up from school. I imagined all the other kids thinking that the babysitter was her mom. I imagined Adelae alone outside the school waiting on a Mommy that never came. The Working Mom Guilt was in full force. I was trying to wait on customers while holding back tears. I wanted to rush out of the bank, drive as fast as I could to my daughter's school, pick her up, hug her and reassure her that I loved her.

Then I got a grip. The girls baby sitter is one of my good friends. Adelae gets dropped off at school with the baby sitter's son, who is in Adelae's class. I know she's never dropped off without a "Goodbye!" or a "Have a nice day!" I know that it doesn't matter if the other kids think that the sitter is Adelae's mom. I know that she'll never be left all alone in the front of the school waiting on me. That Working Mom Guilt was trying to take hold deep inside. It was playing on my insecurities. I knew that none of it was true.

You see, I thought long and hard before I went back to work. I didn't jump at the first job that came my way. I didn't accept the job before Ben and I really looked at the pros and cons. I know that in order to do the things we want to do, I had to find a job. I had to go back to work, at least part time. And, despite the Working Mom Guilt, I'm confident I made the right decision.

Adelae's teacher sends home a progress book every day. I'm able to communicate with them through that book. I've written notes about how shy she is feeling. They are doing their best to work with her. Adelae won't ever be left in front of the school crying because Mommy didn't pick her up. The girls know that they are far more important to me than any job could possibly be.

I still can't quite fathom why another working mom would lay that Working Mom Guilt Trip on me. I don't know that I'll ever understand. But, the next time she tries, I can keep the Working Mom Guilt Monster at bay. I had 4.5 very good years at home with my kids. Now it's time for mommy to go to work and make some money!

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

That Wasn't So Bad

Our little camping trip went remarkably well. Sure, I forgot the camera at home, we got a late start and almost didn't get to the campground in time to get the key for our little cabin. Thankfully I had my phone and Ben managed to grab the girl at the camp store before she left for the night, so all's well that ends well.

Here's our little cabin in the woods. (Except not so much in the woods, so more like our little cabin by an unmowed field)

We arrived pretty late the first night, so we didn't do much more than unpack and go to sleep.

The next day was jam packed with action.

We did a little playing on the playground.

Visited the lake (the girls first time ever seeing any body of water larger than a pond)

Went to the beach.

Played in the sand.

Swam like little fish.

Played in the sand some more.

Had some friends over for dinner.

We, of course, had a gigantic thunderstorm our second night there. Apparently, if you want it to rain, just tell us to go camping. Thanks to our little cabin, we stayed perfectly dry. I do have to admit that I was more than a little nervous about Adelae sleeping in the top bunk inches away from the canvas roof as the wind howled, rain pelted and lightening flashed. So, I woke her up, tucked her in bed with her Daddy and attempted to fall back asleep.

The next day we decided to head home early. Our original plan was to head to the zoo, but with Brinna's fear of everything that moves, we thought it might not be such a good idea. We headed back to the beach to collect some shells and take some more pictures before we headed home.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

One last summer fling

The end of summer is upon us. Before too long Adelae will be starting her second year of preschool, the weather will get colder and I imagine the snow will start to fly. We've truly made the most of our summer. We've had one party after another, or so it seems. It's left very little time for our little family to just be together, something we really enjoy. So, when Ben's boss told him he needed to start using his vacation time and I had 2 days off in a row, we decided we were going to get away. Adelae has been begging to go camping, so camping we shall go!

You might remember our last camping trip that didn't turn out so great. If not, definitely go read about it, it truly was The Trip That Had It All (and then some). But, now we're a year older and a year wiser so we thought we'd try it again.

I checked the weather radar and there's not a chance of rain, Brinna's old enough to walk by herself, the sand toys are already in the car, and we've packed lots and lots of stuff to do. I'm sure that something will go wrong, things always seem to, but I know that we'll survive and have fun anyway.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

The Joys of Summer

When I was a kid I LOVED summer. I loved the hot weather. I couldn't wait to get out of bed and go hand out with my friends. To me, summer was swimming, bike riding, sleep overs and swinging. I miss those simple little joys.

As an adult, I often feel like I have way to many responsibilities to just let go and have fun. There's always something that has to be done. Now that I'm working, there's even more that has to be done in a shorter amount of time. I miss swinging and swimming and laughing so hard my cheeks hurt. I miss playing with wild abandon, not caring how I look or how others perceive me.

So, I've made a decision. I will play like a child. I will relish every single moment I get to spend with my kids. I give so many underdogs and power pushes that my arms are sore. I will run, jump, scream and play. I will laugh until my stomach hurts. I will enjoy the joys of summer, just like I'm a child.

Even if I have to do it between loads of laundry.

*The two other little girls in the pictures are my nieces, Makayla and Alayna, respectively. The pictures, except for the swing picture, were taken by Stacy Thomas.*

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Trying to find a balance

The adjustment to my new work schedule has been a bit difficult, to say the least. This is the first steady job I've had since Adelae was born. That's almost 4.5 years. That's a LONG time to be with out a job. A really long time. My part-time job has turned into a 5 day a week job. Not every day is a full day, and that makes it almost harder in some ways. In case you were wondering, working 10-6 is not a good shift. You might think it would be, but it's not. At least I don't enjoy it.

I do, however, enjoy my job. I love the people I work with and I enjoy the work. I just haven't quite been able to balance work and home yet. When I get home, I'm so exhausted that I just want to sit and be still. Having 2 young children does not make sitting and being still very easy. And someone still has to cook dinner, clean up dinner, take care of the kids and maybe squeeze in some alone time with my husband. It hasn't been easy.

I feel like no matter what I do, something suffers. If I cut back on my hours at work, then Ben has to work overtime to make the money to pay the bills. If I spend more time with my husband, my kids suffer. If I spend more time with my kids, my husband suffers. I feel like I'm being pulled in about 20 different directions at once. Apparently the laundry and dishes still pile up, even if you don't have time to take care of them. It also doesn't help that it's summer. We are always so busy in the summer. We have something going on almost every day of every weekend. It's exhausting. I miss sitting around all day on Saturday and not doing anything. I miss sleeping in and morning cuddles with my girls.

I am extremely fortunate though. I have an amazing babysitter. The kids LOVE going to her house. In fact, there are days when I don't work and they STILL ask to go to the sitters. Thanks to her, I'm able to go to work and give my full attention to my job. I don't ever worry that my kids aren't being taken care of.

And then there's my husband. When I stayed at home, most of the house cleaning and cooking fell to me. That was my job. I hated it, but it was my job. Since I've started working he's pulled his weight and then some. We've started working on a schedule. On the nights when I come home early, I cook dinner and he does the dishes. On the nights when I come home late, he starts dinner and I do the dishes. I had to work this morning for a few hours. I came home to a pretty clean house, the kids were eating lunch and the dishes were done. He even did a load of his laundry. It was awesome. Especially since a nasty migraine decided to smack me upside the head in my last hour of work. After he spent the morning picking up the house, he went outside and started working on the railing for the slide platform he built a few weeks ago.

What did I do? I sat and read on my Nook. I might have even dozed for a little bit. Shh...don't tell. ;)

All in all, we're slowly getting into a rhythm. Will will make this work. I have faith that in another month, we'll be like a well oiled machine.

At least I hope so.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Watch out world!

After almost 2 years, I'm re-joining the work force! It's only part-time, but it's a job! I feel lucky to have found employment, especially with the economy the way it is. I would say that this means I'll be blogging less, but I rarely blog at all as it is! HA!

I know that I should probably be focusing on how the extra money is going to help out with paying the bills and buying the necessary things, but all I can think about is "Do I want a Kindle, a Nook Color, or a tablet of some sort?"

Thursday, April 28, 2011

There are days..

..when I want to run from the house screaming. There are days when I'm pretty sure if I say "Brinna, NO!" one more time my head will explode. There are days when Adelae is so defiant I have to double check and make sure she hasn't turned into a teenager. There are days when Ben drives me absolutely up the wall. There are days I dream about being on a beach on a tropical island alone. No kids. No husband. No dog. No laundry. No dishes. No chores. Just me, the beach, a cold drink, and maybe a cabana boy thrown in for good measure.

There there are days when the girls play so nicely together. There are days when we play Dinosaur Train.

Or they work together to "cook" me a fabulous plastic breakfast.

Or they pose together for a quick picture.

There are days when Brinna will climb on my lap, throw her tiny arms around me and proclaim "BIIIG NUNNLES!" (which is Brinna speak for big snuggles) and squeeze me as tight as she can. I live for the unsolicited "I love you Mommy" from Adelae. Or the unprovoked hugs from Ben.

When the going gets rough, and believe me it does, I remember those days.

However, I'm not totally ruling out a trip to the Caribbean, but maybe I'll take Ben with me. Maybe.

Monday, April 25, 2011

3 minute in the life....

...of Brinna. This is a fairly typical conversation with Brinna. It's long, just over 3 minutes. I think it's unbearably adorable though :)

Sunday, April 24, 2011

What does Easter really mean?

We don't talk about the Easter Bunny in our house. The only way Adelae knows about the EB (Easter Bunny) is what she's learned from school or her friends. I'm sure that people have asked her "Is the Easter Bunny coming to your house?" too. Brinna thinks the Easter Bunny is made of chocolate. Adelae knew that you were suppose to get presents on Easter, but she originally thought Jesus brought them. Ben told her it was the EB and she was a little skeptical.

Thanks to Children's Church and us talking about it at home, Adelae does know that Easter is the day that Jesus rose from the dead. I think we must be doing something right!

Since it's been awhile since I posted a Conversation with Adelae, I thought I'd post the one of her talking about Easter.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

I don't have time

I can't decide if I've hit a huge case of writer's block or if I just don't have the motivation, but I feel like I don't have anything thing fun to say anymore. I don't even read blogs like I used to. Apparently having two little kids keeps me busy! Between the girls, weekend trips, projects, Adelae's preschool, Brinna's clingy stage and housework I just don't have any time left!

I suppose I could blog after the kids go to bed, but that's ME time. I prefer to sit on the couch and watch mindless TV and work on my cross stitch. (It's April and I STILL haven't finished Brinna's stocking that I was suppose to have done in December.) Or, let's be really honest, I just want to stare at the TV and veg. I don't want to think. I think I've almost hit the stage where I'd rather sit in a quiet room in the dark and just enjoy the silence. I miss silence.

You know what else I miss? Eating my ice cream by myself. Or eating warm food. I also miss being able to sit through an entire meal. It seems like the second my butt hits the chair I hear "I need a drink." "I finished my noodles, can I have more?" Or Brinna decides that she's "all done" and takes off like a shot out of her high chair. Let me tell you, she's FAST! I keep threatening to tie her to her chair.

Anyway..I just feel like there's not enough hours in the day. I hear it's only going to get worse at the kids get older. I'm thinking that I might have to give up sleeping. Or Facebook. But probably sleeping.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

You want to do WHAT?

Adelae has been asking for a few months to have her hair cut short. I was VERY much against her having it cut. I figured it would eventually blow over. Not so much the case. Ben had a hair cut scheduled and he was going to take Adelae along for a quick trim. She begged and begged and begged me to let her have her hair cut short. I figured since she'd been asking for so long, I might as well let her do it. Again, THIS WAS NOT MY IDEA! She'd NEVER had a real hair cut. Sure, we'd done trims here and there, but never more than a couple of inches. I kept asking her "Are you SURE you want to do this? You know it's going to take a REALLY long time to grow back." She kept saying that she wanted it short, so I let her. I mean, it IS her hair after all.

This is the before picture. (You'll have to excuse the poor quality.I took all of these pictures with my phone.)

And (GULP!) the after. Where did all of her hair go?

But she likes it and that's all that matters :)

She was so excited that washing, combing and drying her hair only took a few minutes. She was ecstatic about the lack of tangles. Not to mention that she could eat dinner with out her hair pulled back. It's a super cute cut, I have to admit. But, WOW does it maker her look older!

Friday, March 25, 2011

What the what? It's been a MONTH?!

Has it really been over a month since I blogged? Geez! Time sure does fly! We've been so incredibly busy the last few months, I've barely had time to catch my breath!

Adelae turned 4 in February. Her obsession with Rapunzel is alive and well.

Brinna got a new doll baby WITH HAIR that she absolutely adores. We call the baby Baby Nana. I'm not sure why, other than that's what Brinna decided to name her. The hope was that this would help her to stop playing with my hair as she falls asleep. Sadly, it hasn't worked. But, she loves the baby and carries it with her everywhere she goes.

We were able to take advantage of some very spring like weather with some outside time.

Adelae and I were fortunate enough to go see Disney Princesses on Ice. It was a wonderful show and I highly recommend it to anyone with girls obsessed with Princesses. It was so nice to be able to spend some one-on-one time with my big girl!

And last, but certainly not least, we were able to spend a few days at Great Wolf Lodge in Sandusky, Ohio. The girls had an absolute blast playing all the water. Hmm..I think I'll have to get some more pictures posted from that trip. It was awesome!

As always, the kids are growing like weeds. Brinna changes more and more every day. She's really developing her own personality. Adelae is getting more and more opinionated every single day. She made her very first big girl decision, she decided to have her hair cut short! I'll post pictures in another blog, along with all the feelings that came with that decision.

So,that's what we've been up to. Not to mention the regular daily grind. I keep thinking that our schedule is going to calm down at some point. Then I think "Wouldn't that be boring?!" There are a lot more fantastic outings to come as well. So far we have a trip to see some of my friends in PA in June, a camping trip in July, Brinna's 2nd birthday in July as well, and a few other things. I'm excited for warm weather and summer!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

The one where I talk about weight

Last year I started working out. (Remember this post?) I did really well for about 2 months. I didn't work out every day, but I averaged about 5 days a week. Not too shabby for someone that hates exercise!

Then I weighed myself.

There's a reason why I don't own a scale. I hadn't lost a single solitary pound. Not one. Not even half a pound. Nothing. Nada. After all my hard work I was still the exact same weight I was when I started. I was crushed. I tried to blow it off and say "Oh, but my jeans fit better and that's all that matters." I didn't believe it. I wanted to have lost weight. Not a lot, just a few pounds.

So, I stopped working out. I figured what was the point? If I wasn't going to lose any weight than why should I even bother? If I wasn't losing any weight, why couldn't I just sit on the couch and eat cake? That's what I'd rather be doing, not sweating and grunting and feeling sore.

Then I started thinking about what my weight REALLY means. Is the number on the scale that important? I'm 5' 1" tall and at my thinnest I was 130 lbs. After 2 kids, I'm stuck at 150 lbs. I can't seem to get below that weight. According to the research I've done, that means that I'm obese. My jaw hit the floor when I saw that. Obese? I know I'm a little...jiggly, but obese? I mean really? Obese? What the hell?! I started feeling really depressed. Then and there I decided that I wasn't going to let the number on the scale determine who I was or how I felt about myself.

I knew that when I was working out that I felt better. I knew that I was losing inches because I had to wear a belt to keep my jeans from falling off. For the first time in years, I actually had muscles! So, I decided to start working out again. In turn, I'm making healthier food choices.

I have no idea if I've lost weight, and this time around I truly don't care. I'm focused on the way I look and the way I feel, not a number on the scale. My genes have predetermined that I'm never going to be stick thin. I'm always going to have curves. I love my curves! They're what attracted Ben to me in the first place. Why would I want to get rid of them?

I'm slowly learning to embrace the body that God has given me. I might be 150 lbs, but I'm determined to make that 150 lbs look good!

Friday, February 4, 2011

Conversations with Brinna


Now that Brinna has hit the 18 month mark, her vocabulary has really expanded. She repeats almost everything we say, which is good and bad. Good because she's learning lots of new words. Bad because sometimes words slip out that she's not suppose to hear. I really do try to watch what I say, but sometimes the occasional bad word pops out. The other day I think she was walking around saying "Oh, sh!t." I pretended to think it was something else ;)

Her favorite thing to say is "Adelae." She's hit the phase where she knows that things belong to people. She spends most of the day bringing us our belongings, whether we want them or not.

This first video is just a little chat that Brinna and I had.

Brinna loves her baby dolls. She has a ton of them and they all get loved and played with throughout the day. It's so cute to see her playing Mommy. She was playing with her baby yesterday and, for once, I was quick enough with the camera to shoot a video.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

It's true....

...Kids really do say the darndest things! :) I used to get those email forwards with the funny things kids say and I would think to myself "Yeah right. Kids don't really say that type of stuff." Now that I have a very precarious almost 4 year old I know that truth. They really do say stuff like that!

A few of Adelae's latest gems:

On Monday morning she said "Mommy, why does Daddy always have to go to work? Doesn't he know we have enough money?"

After Brinna pooped "She's in poopy town, I'm in tootsie town, and you're in diaper changing town."

Upon hearing that the dog made Cinderella Barbie (her former favorite) a midnight snack "It's ok. She was kinda old and dirty anyway."

Adelae's preschool had a guest lunch the other day. As I was dropping Adelae off, I made sure that she knew that I would be back to eat lunch with her. She said "Is Brinna coming too? Please don't forget her. She's too little to stay home by herself."

As we were baking cookies a few days ago, I told her that she reminded me of myself when I was little. She said "Yeah, I know. Cause we both have brown hair."

Then she said something so cute, I couldn't resist getting in on video.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Some people just shouldn't dance

I'm not a 'gamer.' I can't play video games for hours on end. First of all, I'm not very good at them. Second of all, they're just boring. But, I was the one who hounded Ben to buy the XBox Kinect. We love it. I love it because you have to get up and move. I love it because we can play it for hours and all enjoy it. I love it because it gets all of us up and active on these cold and dreary winter days.
I love having Kinect parties. I love that when I have Kinect parties, I can convince people that don't normally dance to dance. Like my brother and my husband. I also reserve the right to record anyone and everyone that dances. And then post that video on my blog. (Insert evil laugh here.) You'll have to excuse the quality on the last two videos. I took them with my cell phone.

Rumor has it that my sister in law has a video of my pathetic attempt at dancing on her phone. If that video ever surfaces I promise to post it, just so I can share in the humiliation.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

I want something

Adelae's new thing is to constantly tell me "Mommy I need something." As a wonderful and ever patient mother, my response is "What do you need." As a 3 almost 4 year old her answer is ALWAYS "I don't know....something." I'm glad that she's so specific. It's not at all frustrating to run through things like drink, snack, or something to do to only have her reply " what to drink, what to eat, what to do?" Then, because I'm a super patient Mommy, I list all of the drinks we have available, all of the available snacks and anything I can think of for her to do. You would think that something would appeal to her. You know what she does? She cries. Why does she cry? Because apparently none of the things I've spent 10 minutes listing is what she wants. Then she'll inevitably say "I just wanted XYZ." My dear sweet Adelae. If you KNEW what you wanted, why not just ASK for what you wanted? If I dare ask her that question, it causes more hysterics. She'll barely be able to get out "I told you I needed something."
Since I'm so patient this never frustrates me beyond belief. It never ever causes me to go just a little bit loony.
Seriously, it's a good thing she's so adorable.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Let Me Help You

Everyone in my house has been sick forever. Or at least it feels that way. Adelae and Brinna had the flu over Christmas, then Ben got it. I somehow missed the flu, but I wound up with the worst cold in the history of colds. It's not the nasal congestion, the constant runny nose or even the general feeling of blahness that's the worst. It's the darn coughing. I haven't slept in days (or that's how it feels). It seems like everytime I breath, I cough. And cough, and cough some more. As a result, my throat is terribly sore and I'm exhausted. As a result of that, my house is a wreck.

I decided we were picking up today no matter what. I couldn't take the toys, shoes, socks and who knows what else scattered all over the floor. In the midst of picking things up, I had a horrible coughing attack. My sweet Adelae took my hand, led me to the chair, sat me down and said "Mommy, what can I do to make you better? Let me help you." I tell you, my heart just melted. She then proceeded to pick up all of her toys with no complaint. I guess i must be doing something right!