Rantings from a pregnant lady

Ok, I'm pregnant..I get it! Seriously! I'm huge, I feel sick all the time, my ankles have completely disappeared, I can no longer take my rings off, I have the skin of a teenager, I'm grouchy and I don't sleep. Can you imagine how much fun I'm having? I'm going to give the rest of the non-pregnant world a little advice..please take it.

#1 When you ask someone when their due date is and the date is two weeks away..Please don't say "OOOOHHHH....you're getting close now" or "I bet you're excited!" My response is "REALLY?! I haven't been counting down the days for THREE months now. I had NO IDEA that it was so close!" (Please read with the adequate amount of sarcasm.) You should also not say "I bet you're ready to be done being pregnant." If you do, be prepared to hear "NO! I LOVE being pregnant! In fact, I wish I were and elephant and I could be pregnant for TWO WHOLE YEARS! Wouldn't that be NEAT?!" (Again, dripping in sarcasm."

#2 When you see a largely pregnant woman in the summer, please don't say "Oh, I bet you're miserable huh?" My answer "NO! I'm happy as a clam! In fact, I only WISH it would get HOTTER! Especially at night! I mean, who doesn't LOVE sweating nonstop?"

#3 When said pregnant woman states that she ready to have the baby NOW, please oh please oh please, do NOT say "Well, you haven't really dropped yet. You still have a LONG way to go." This may result in above pregnant woman punching you in the face. The proper response is "Maybe you'll have the baby today! Wouldn't that be fun?!" Of course, you must say this with the proper enthusiasm or you may get punched anyway.

#4 Calling pregnant woman cute little nicknames may SEEM like a good idea at the time, but I'll assure you..it's not. I get it, I'm fat.. I know I'm as big around as I am tall. BUT, and this is just a suggestion, maybe mentioning over and over and over again ISN'T the best thing. Just a thought...

#5 Almost anything you do and say is going to be interpreted wrong at this point. Acceptable things are "Let ME take care of the kid/kids for you!" "Can I bring you anything? Candy, ice cream, ice water, anything at all?" "Why YES OF COURSE I'll rub your sore back and feet. You just tell me when to stop, I could do this for HOURS!" "You're up every three hours to use the bathroom and can't get back to sleep? Why not wake me up, I bet we could have some great conversation! Maybe I could even rub your back and feet some more for you!"

Keep in mind I'm 38 weeks pregnant and not in my right mind. I can't be held responsible for my actions at this point. It's all justifiable somehow!