Refocusing

2010 has been a equally horrible and wonderful year. This past year has tested my marriage in so many ways. For a really long time Ben and I were just existing. We weren't interacting with each other hardly at all. I think it was a combo of depression (on both our parts), lack of communication, living with two young children, and money problems. We fought a lot, about everything. I would say "It's a nice day" and Ben would say "No, it's not." That might be exaggerating a little bit, but not by much. As a result, neither of us were happy. The kids weren't happy. It was awful. I felt like I was living in a powder keg.
Then the inevitable happened. The powder keg exploded. We had one of those knock down drag out fights. You know the one where you say all those horrible and nasty things that you think, but don't really mean. Or maybe you do mean them in way way way back of your mind. There was shouting and cussing, belittling and just general nastiness. I can't say what the fight started over. I can't even remember all of the things that were said. I know it was ugly. I know that the phrase "Let's just get divorced" was said by both of us. I know that if we weren't married with little kids, that would have been the end of us. I know that we both admitted that we were fastly falling out of love with each other. It sucked. A lot.
The next morning after we were calm, we talked. We talked and talked and talked. The bottom line was that we love each other. I know deep in my heart that we are meant to be together. We are soul mates. So, we chose to get some help. It wasn't something that we told a lot of people about. It was a very private matter. We went faithfully for what seemed like forever. It was hard. It was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. We faced a lot of our demons and refocused.
We focused on what our marriage could be and should be, not what it had become. Each week I felt us growing closer. Slowly, the fighting stopped. We kissed more, we hugged all the time. We remembered the wonderful things about each other that we loved so much. The passion was back. We fell in love all over again.
Yes, we still have our issues and demons. We still argue. We still annoy each other. But, at the end of the day, there is no place we'd rather be. I'm so grateful to Ben for wanting to save our marriage. I'm so grateful that he helps me through my hard times and lets me help him through his. I'm so lucky to have such an amazing man in my life. He is my soul mate and my one true love.
I am happier now than I think I've ever been. It just took a little refocusing.