Migraines Suck

I suffer from migraines and have for most of my memory. They’re not headaches. They’re migraines. Blinding, pounding, nausea inducing migraines. I try to explain to Ben what they feel like because “headache” is far too mild.

Imagine that you have a grape in your hand. Now, squeeze one end of the grape. See how the opposite end is sort of swollen looking, like the skin might rip at any moment? That’s how my eyes feel. Even blinking hurts them. It feels like the inside if my eyelids are lined with sandpaper. Now, imagine that you have teeny tiny elves all around your poor swollen eyes. Not cute little elves either. Knife wielding angry elves. Every single time the weakest bit of light hits your poor swollen eyes the evil little elves poke you one trillion times with their tiny little knives. Now imagine that every little sound you hear is amplified by one million times. Sort of like being at a rock concert in the front row with out all the fun of actually being at a rock concert. Now, remember that time you had the stomach virus from hell. The nausea, the body aches, and oh the nausea. Sucks right? But I’m not done yet. Now imagine that your brain is swollen against your skull and feels like it might explode at any given moment. Oh, and your head weighs about a trillion pounds. As if that isn’t enough, imagine that your neck and shoulder muscles are so tight that you can barely bend your head. You feel like your shoulders have taken permanent residence up around your ears. It’s not a lot of fun. Add in a job where you have lots of people to deal with, a computer screen to stare at and (if you’re lucky) the drive thru to contend with. But, you think to yourself, I can handle this for one day. It’s not so bad for a day. Then 3 days pass. Then it’s Christmas and you can’t even really enjoy the day because you’re head hurts so dang bad.  Then it’s 3 weeks later and you still have the cursed migraine and you’re seriously debating ripping your own head off because at least you wouldn’t have that stupid migraine anymore.

Did I mention that this whole time you’re taking Excedrin Migraine and Ibuprofen like it’s candy? 2 Excedrin is the recommended dosage. As you take them the first day you think “Ah..this will get me some relief.” Only to find out later that it doesn’t make a dent in the pain. Then you take 4 Ibuprofen because that HAS to help right? Nope, no such luck. So you drink a pop thinking “I read somewhere caffeine helps.” Nope, not at all. You think “Maybe a massage.” But, since it’s the holidays you don’t have the extra money, so you beg your husband to do it. Except he’s afraid of hurting you and is, understandably, tired from work. So it doesn’t really help at all. Calling the chiropractor will help, but they don’t have any openings. Awesome. Finally, after 3 weeks of suffering, you have an emotional breakdown. It had to happen sometime right?

This is exactly how my life went from a few weeks before Christmas until after the New Year. It was awful. I was miserable. I had a migraine on Christmas, I had a migraine on New Years. It sucked. A lot. I think the worse part is that people just don’t understand. It’s hard to explain to someone what it feels like. They seem to have the “Take some Tylenol and get over it” mentality. If someone tells you that they’re suffering from a migraine, please offer to help them out so they can go crawl into a dark hole and sleep for a few hours. Or at least be understanding. Maybe loan them a pair of sunglasses. Or a massage.

No Resolution For You!

I should probably post lots and lots of pictures of the girls opening their Christmas presents, but I'm not going to. Mostly because the pictures are still on the camera and I don't have the patience to upload them, edit them, then fight with Blogger to get them posted. Maybe some other day. Or maybe not.

Instead, I'm going to blog about New Years Resolutions. It seems like everyone makes them. Or at least says they do. I don't. I used to. Of course, like 90% (just a guess) of other people in the world, I always failed miserably. Then I would get all depressed because I couldn't stick to my Resolutions. I think I'll just bypass all that guilt and not make any resolutions to start with.

Tis The Season

I spent all of yesterday being totally stressed out about Christmas. I'm way behind on my shopping, there's never enough money to buy what I want and pay the bills too. Between Ben and I's work schedule there's no way we will be able to take the girls to see Santa this year. I had myself so stressed out I was getting ill. I managed to get two giant cold sores from the stress.

This morning I realized something. Christmas isn't about presents. It's not about spending every dime we have on extravagant presents for everyone. It's about celebrating the birth of Jesus. It's about spending time with family. It's about being grateful for the things that we are able to give to the people we love.

And Santa? My kids don't even care. Adelae said "I'll just write him a letter."

I kind of suck at this

I used to be a good blogger. I blogged at least once a week. Or at least once a month. Now I just don't feel like I have anything to say. Or not anything that people care about reading anyway. I'm boring. I feel boring. I feel like perhaps I've gone about as far as I can with this blog. I'm debating taking it off line. I post all of my pictures and thoughts on Facebook. I don't have any deep thoughts to share with the blogging community, not that many people would read it if I did.

Also, I'm busy. Between work, kids, husband and house I don't really feel like I have much left to give. Then things I want to blog about, I can't because it's insanely personal. Not really meant for the world at large to read. But, it's hard to take away something that chronicles my children's developments. There's so many great pictures on here, I would hate to lose them all. I'm undecided as of now what I will do. But, don't be surprised if the next time you go to search for my blog (not that many of you every do), it isn't there.

Depression Confession

I suffer from a mild form of depression. I choose not to take medication because I can usually fight off the really bad attacks. Then there are days like today. Everything seems wrong. Nothing makes me smile. I want to go to bed, pull the covers over my head and sleep for days. I want to cry, but the tears won't come. I know people will say to "get over it" or "you're being overly dramatic." I only wish it were that easy. Trust me, I wish I could jump up and "get over it." I hate feeling like this. I hate it. I want to smile and laugh with my kids. I want to want to play. I wish my husband understood how hard I fight to keep that weight from crushing me. I wish that weight didn't exist.

I know that tomorrow's another day. I know that weight might not be there in the morning. I know that I have a million reasons to be happy. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

If I could save time in a bottle..

It would be at times like these.

The Guilt Will Get Ya

I knew when I started working that I would eventually face the Working Mom Guilt. At first, I felt guilty that I didn't miss my kids more. I felt guilty that I actually ENJOYED dropping them off at the sitter's house and getting out of the house. I felt guilty because I didn't feel guilty, if that makes any sense.

So, I've been cruising along fairly guilt free for the last few months. Today, all that guilt caught up with me in one crushing blow. I was discussing with a co-worker (also a working mom) about Adelae feeling shy at school. Her response was not what I expected. I expected her to say that everything would be fine. After all, we're both working moms. Instead, she said that I should pull Adelae out of school, quit my job and stay at home again. That's when it hit me right between the eyes.....The Working Mom Guilt.

I've always had an over active imagination. So, the picture I mentally pained quickly went from bad to worse. I imagined poor Adelae being left at the door with out a "Have a good day!" or a "Have fun!" I imagined poor Adelae playing all by herself at recess because her teachers didn't know she was shy. Why didn't they know? Because I couldn't tell them because I was too busy at work to drop her off or pick her up from school. I imagined all the other kids thinking that the babysitter was her mom. I imagined Adelae alone outside the school waiting on a Mommy that never came. The Working Mom Guilt was in full force. I was trying to wait on customers while holding back tears. I wanted to rush out of the bank, drive as fast as I could to my daughter's school, pick her up, hug her and reassure her that I loved her.

Then I got a grip. The girls baby sitter is one of my good friends. Adelae gets dropped off at school with the baby sitter's son, who is in Adelae's class. I know she's never dropped off without a "Goodbye!" or a "Have a nice day!" I know that it doesn't matter if the other kids think that the sitter is Adelae's mom. I know that she'll never be left all alone in the front of the school waiting on me. That Working Mom Guilt was trying to take hold deep inside. It was playing on my insecurities. I knew that none of it was true.

You see, I thought long and hard before I went back to work. I didn't jump at the first job that came my way. I didn't accept the job before Ben and I really looked at the pros and cons. I know that in order to do the things we want to do, I had to find a job. I had to go back to work, at least part time. And, despite the Working Mom Guilt, I'm confident I made the right decision.

Adelae's teacher sends home a progress book every day. I'm able to communicate with them through that book. I've written notes about how shy she is feeling. They are doing their best to work with her. Adelae won't ever be left in front of the school crying because Mommy didn't pick her up. The girls know that they are far more important to me than any job could possibly be.

I still can't quite fathom why another working mom would lay that Working Mom Guilt Trip on me. I don't know that I'll ever understand. But, the next time she tries, I can keep the Working Mom Guilt Monster at bay. I had 4.5 very good years at home with my kids. Now it's time for mommy to go to work and make some money!